Questions

Thank you everyone for your comments, and e-mails.  So much kindness in this world, just when you need it the most.  Thank you.

I called the vet in the morning to let them know how Jack did throughout the night and see what they recommended.  They told me to bring him in to observe him, so off he went around noon.  I had to go back to work - I don't think I have a cat lover for a boss - so I am a bit paranoid to be away from my job these days, even if one of my own 'children' is deathly sick.  Sad, isn't it, that we are forced to deal with things that we otherwise wouldn't, due to work, and money.  The two evils, but the two necessities in life.  They called me later that afternoon to report that no, he was worse that day than the day before he was brought in.  I left work in tears, not knowing what I was going to do but I had to be with him and view him for myself.  Sweet Diane - a girl from Another Chance Pet Rescue had come in the morning to my house while I was at work and administered fluids to Jack, who was very dehydrated due to not eating or drinking the past few days.  Thanks Diane, that was so kind.  When I got to the vet, they put Jack on the table and I pulled up a chair and just stroked him and talked to him, and listened to him.  He didn't seem as bad.  They had given him anti-nausea medicine, an appetite stimulant, and short of an echocardiogram, which I could not afford, I had them administer an antibiotic in hopes that it was a bronchial thing and it might help.  He also tested negative for leukemia.  So now he was on five meds, two of which I had filled in the pharmacy that morning before rushing off, late again, to work.  I decided then and there that he seemed OK, and I took him home with me.  This morning, I was awoken at 2:30 and it sounded as if he was going to die.  Hacking, wheezing, couldn't get a breath.   Half an hour later, I couldn't hear a thing, and I got up to check on him, thinking he had died.   After sitting with him this morning after my outdoor rounds, I sat with Jack, he was next to my side, and stroked him, and listened as he had a low purr.  I questioned over and over again what I needed to do.  I need to get to work on time, so I am going to call the vet and see when I can get him in there.  Today is the day, I don't want my boy with the tiny heart to suffer any longer.  They told me his heart was much smaller than the average.

Its funny - I am the most sensitive person in the world.  You can look at me cross-eyed and I will cry because I will think you don't like me, but when it comes to these animals, I've become so strong.  I will cry for a second, but then become a superhero.  My family has always leaned on me for strength when it comes to death and sickness - maybe its because I see so much out there.  I've had so many furry babies put to sleep in my life - my interior has hardened to it.  Maybe that's a good thing, not sure, but I do know that its up to us to make these decisions for them - if they could only talk and tell us whats wrong.  But they don't, we can only listen, and watch, and keep them safe and healthy, and help them cross that bridge when its time.