Disappointment

This morning I had the opportunity, through Lollipop, to trap three kitties - Laura tries to trap one of the three - and then she transports to Lollipop to and from for me.  I set my two traps at certain locations, and set off to feed at the next spot after both.  I didn't get any kitties.  Mind you, I start at 5:15 am., and by 6:15 am., I've had to drive back and forth to these traps to see if there is a kitty, meanwhile driving to my other spots to feed, and then some to not feed, thinking if I don't get a kitty at one place, I will move the trap to another, so don't put food down there.  But in the meantime, I need to get to work and I still haven't placed the food or water down at half of the 13 or 14 locations that I feed at.  So after driving back and forth to different locations, that are NOT right next to each other, to the traps that have been set, and losing that time to place food down at those spots, I'm in a frenzy.  I must place food down for these cats and get home to get ready to go to work!  I can't tell you the feeling of disappointment it felt to call Laura to tell her I didn't have one cat.  Its a waste of her time, and Lollipop's.  Its a feeling of uselessness, and hopelessness, but then I must remember, that I don't have the luxury of just setting a trap and staying there to wait it out.  I have to feed on top of trapping, and its not easy!  I am either doing something wrong, and could use some guidance, or its just plain physically impossible to do what I do in an hour's span, and I can't get up any earlier than 4 am. and get out there by 5 am.!

I must stop beating myself up over this.  Its hard enough to see what I see during that hour, cats that are sick, wheezing, running up to me hoping it will be their turn to be rescued.  Its hard enough that once again, there is someone trashing one of my spots on Parsells - they took a tote shelter, and have placed a broken carrier stuffed with straw down onto the sidewalk off the porch it was on, and have placed the towels and bowls with it.  The City owns the house, so its not them.  I am not sure who it is but I face such adversity every single day.  Its NEVER easy.  This is day two of them doing this.  I will be leaving anote tomorrow begging for an ounce of compassion to leave this rickety shelter alone for the poor old cats that have nothing.

Red, on Hayward.  Red has been around far longer than Big Red has been - I've been feeding Red for a year longer I would say.  Red is younger than Big Red.  He had a chance at rescue by a woman who was interested, and when I tried to shove poor Red into a carrier for that purpose, I didnt' have a good hold on him and he got away.  He actually was so spooked I didn't see him for months.  He had trusted me up until then, and then had no trust whatsoever.  I've finally earned Red's trust again, but its too late.  Red is slowly dying from something.  I felt him yesterday, and he is losing weight rapidly, skin and bone is all he is.  He has never been fixed either.  He would never go into a trap and I've set one for him many times over the years.  He was not there this morning, but my plan is to someday soon place him in a carrier and bring him to my vet for euthanasia.  I could not bear to see him struggle through the winter like this, and I do not have room and board nor money to help him, for those that dont' agree.  My guess is he has leukemia.

So you see, not only do I beat myself up for not being successful trapping, but I deal with so much heartbreak, its so overwhelming.  I had to tell myself to stop crying on my way home this morning. I must remember I am only one person trying to save the world.