Big Red

Well, I have some very sad news.  Big Red has crossed the rainbow bridge, where he joins his fellow friends from Pennsylvania and Short Streets, the area he grew up in.

Big Red TNR

We rescued him two weeks ago after a long hard winter where my helpers spotted him occasionally looking bad. His mouth had major drool, his fur was dark and dirty looking – it was obvious he was suffering.  I was so elated to finally rescue him and get him some help!  This was a cat that I had TNR’d over six or so years ago on Pennsylvania Avenue where I had shelters, and a public garden, set up for many years.  Big Red was always there.  When I had to move due to the city inspectors telling me I had to due to rats, I moved down the street, and hoped that all the kitties I fed would follow me.  I would call them every morning half a block away, and finally succeeded in getting them all used to their new feeding spot.  Except Big Red.  He went missing, and soon thereafter I spotted him on Short Street, which is where he lived the remainder of time, until two weeks ago.  During his time on Short Street, Big Red and I grew closer.  He would finally start to sidle up to me and let me pet and lift him.  Foster mom Carol wanted me to rescue him and house him in her place, but I kept thinking he was a tough guy, and there were others that I needed to rescue before him.  Then my hip went toward the mid to late summer last year, and I had to have others trek back to the lot to feed him, Mr. Whiskers, and a few others that hung out there.  I lost touch with him, but he always knew the sound I had always made, this time doing it from the truck, with the window rolled down.  The kissy sound. 

My friend and fellow partner in my rescue, Kristin, and her husband, had offered that if we caught Big Red, she would take him and get him some help.  He was treated for a severe wound where he needed stitches, and he was found to have lesions in his mouth, and some very very bad rotted teeth.  He has been with Kristin for two weeks now, and after escaping from the large crate he was in he hid  under the bed.  Kristin noticed he wasn’t eating any more, and decided to get him to the vet, which was not an easy feat.  While under anesthesia, the vet found many things that were obviously causing great pain for him.  Animals can't talk, and clinical signs may be few or very subtle. To top that off, Big Red turned feral again, and after some consideration, I made the most compassionate choice – to euthanize.

I wasn’t going to publish this because of negative criticism in the past about decisions like this, but I knew this was the best for him.  It would not be an easy road ahead for him, nor his caregivers.  There’s a misguided notion that euthanasia of a sick and feral cat is somehow immoral.  It’s not immoral — it’s just a sad and necessary fact sometimes.  There is no such thing as the, “right time” for euthanasia. You can certainly find the best time, but that doesn't make it easier.  You need to separate your heart from your head to make a choice upon medical grounds.

Believe me, I ALWAYS feel a sense of guilt over these kind of decisions.  I don't know anyone that can walk away from the vet's office without nagging doubts, without wondering what the pet felt or thought in that final moment, without asking whether we should have waited longer or tried harder. 

We are believers in cause and effect. When something goes wrong, we want to know why. How did it happen? What went wrong? Could it have been prevented -- and if so, how? Who is responsible? What could/should have been done differently? Rarely can we admit that there are no answers to these questions. Rarely can we say, "no one was at fault; it simply happened." Rarely can we accept that nothing could have been changed or done differently.

People who don't care will never experience the pangs of guilt. Only caring, responsible rescuers and pet owners go through this agony. 

The world has enough people who don't care what mistakes they make.   We don't have enough people that DO care about these cats,  -- who choose to move on to make a difference in yet another rescued animal's life. I can't let guilt keep me locked in a lifetime of misery.  I choose to forgive, to love, and to move forward, and rescue more animals that need care. 

We are all very sad about this, and Kristin had the brunt of it in saying goodbye to him last night.  She and her husband will bury Big Red on their land, next to a new tree they are planting.   I will miss you buddy, you were my special boy.  But I will see you again someday soon.  Xo